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(WARNING: Jokes may be hazardous to your depression)
(WARNING: Sex jokes may cause blindness if viewed too often)
SEX FOR SENIORS - SEX JOKES
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don't even think about trying it twice.
SCIENCE FICTION GEEK PICKUP LINES
- "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"
- "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"
- "Nice Asimov."
- "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."
- "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"
- "I'm the droid you're looking for."
- "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."
- "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."
- "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"
- "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
(WARNING: Jokes may be past their expiration date)
(WARNING: Funny objects are closer than they appear)
(WARNING: Keep jokes out of the reach of children)